God's finger touched him, and he slept...

Friday, January 13, 2012

\\*Tribute to Snowy*//

R.I.P My beloved dog, Snowy, August 2004 - January 12th, 2012.

I can't even begin to describe the sadness and grief I am feeling right now, every time i walk into my house, I am reminded of your going. Everytime I open my room door and walk to the living room, I see your "home" that has been put away, newspaper in the house that are gone, the barricade that used to block the kitchen. They are all gone, just in one night. How could this happen? When just a few nights ago, you were still jumping about, greeting me with your loving smiles, ever so active, and always so excited to meet me. How could you just leave me alone in this world, when I haven't loved you enough... it was never enough. How could you rob a piece of my heart away from me? I've had you..ever since I was 10. That's almost 8 years of relationship, 8 years of having you, my earliest memories are with you.

Everywhere I turn now, I'm reminded of your absence. And tears keep on welling up in my eyes, I have grieved and cried for you day and night, never have i let out my tears so intensely. You mean so much to me, do you know that? Ever since I was a little kid, my parents would leave for work, my sisters are almost never home, and I am home alone with you. It's almost as if i am an only child. All these years, going through life, I have been upsetted, angered, saddened, frightened, so many times, and you have always been there for me. You would run towards me with your huge grin, and stand on two legs while trying to balance on my legs. Every time I sat down on the sofa, you would jump right beside me and cuddle towards me. Every time I have troubles, you sit right there and listen to me, and look at me in the eye as if everything is alright. Every time I push you away and you know that I'm in a bad mood, you would quietly stay away, while looking at me, as if asking me whether it's alright to return by my side now. You are my childhood companion, my best friend, the one I turn to when i feel down, the one that I know will love me unconditionally. You are my family. And I loved you so much...

And now, all I have left, is your collar. The collar that you loved so much even though we never bring you for walks. Our home now smells strange without your scent, feels cold without your presence, sounds quiet without your barks, and looks foreign without your ornaments. This family will never be the same without you. In a way, you have been the only thing that has been keeping this family from drifting far away from each other, the only thing that has bound us together. Now I fear for the future, without you to constantly bind us together, where would we be in 10 years?

It's so hard to go on. Knowing you are no longer there by my side. Knowing that I will never see your face again when I come home, when i leave the room in the middle of the night, never again can I feel the touch of your warm skin in my palm, and watch you so contently enjoy my strokes. Every time I'm on the verge of breaking down, you have been there to make me smile, make me feel a little better inside. My world is crumbling without you, it's like a part of me have faded away forever, and i would never get over your loss.

I wish I could say I can be strong, but I couldn't. It's so hard to hold up a strong front outside, when so easily, I am reminded of you. Every time I walked around the house, anticipating your presence, only to realize you are no longer there, it kills me inside. I dread going home now, dread going back to the home where you are no longer there. But I will try to move on, in your memory. I know, you would have wanted me to. Wherever you are now, I hope you are happier, free of your pain, the agonizing last hours of your death, when I see the look of fear in your eyes, and tears of pain, as I bid you my last goodbye. In the cage at the clinic, "I'll pray for you", i said, and you look at me, with a distant look in your eyes. Somehow I knew, that would be the last time we see each other. At least I've got to say my goodbyes...

Goodbye forever, Snowy, my soul companion. May we meet each other again in heaven some day...

Teared On|6:38 PM|

Saturday, December 11, 2010

\\*觅*//

也许

有一天，
在世界的某一处，
那街口的拐角旁，
熟悉的公园里，
我会遇到你。

我一直在寻找的，
一次又一次地擦肩而过，
路过，走过，看过
却从没注意过的
她

Teared On|11:53 PM|

Monday, November 29, 2010

\\*India reflection*//

It's India reflection time! and i gotta send a report to the teachers bout my homestay experience, and it looks like blogging material. So here you go!

Well, my homestay experience was kinda great. It was one of the last few days in india and Its really the homestay experience that made me feel charmed by India.

(The first document that I did not manage to save was quite messy and bold, so its alright. I shall make this more politically correct) – 25 words

Anyway, it gave me an opportunity to see India, not through the lenses of the Indian people(because that would be too cliché to say), but hand in hand with the denizens of India. I get to see and feel the city of Rajkot with the people of india(again its “with”, not “through”), and savour the delicacies that is Uniquely India.

Home-staying with Weixuan and shalv’s family could be described by one word: Special. Yes, that last sentence was a vague one and I might as well be saying nothing. But I am, saying something, 13 words at least.

Shalv family was a rather traditional kind, I would say. They don’t seem to joke around a lot, or maybe its our fault that they don’t laugh that much. (You know how they always say: “It’s me, not you.”?) But they were gracious hosts that try to meet our every need, and we are very grateful for that.

Okay, let’s talk about the food. Food was awesome. I didn’t know vegetarian food could taste this good. Many interesting names too, there’s one called gugra, whatever the spelling, and its like a curry puff shape like thingy, with sweet goodness inside. And they have tempura capsicums and brown india *kakiage too(No, its not racism, its really brown.) And then one of the days they cooked Maggie mee for us. And it was G.O.O.D, like Great, Omg, Omg, Delicious! Alright, that was just made up on the spot, thank you thank you. Seriously, the Maggie mee was Damn Delicious(ALLITERATION) , I don’t know how they cooked it, but I ate three pots, and that says something. And I couldn’t eat dinner after that, which says something too.

Oh and there was a vegetarian pizza hut. But I’m getting bored of vegetables, so let’s move on to cows. I love the cows in Rajkot, They are everywhere. (HOLY COW!) And yes, I think they are sacred? They kinda just lie on the road, walk through traffic without giving a damn If people will knock them down or swerve and hit a bystander. They walk like they own the road. No wait, maybe they do own india. Cows own India! Yes, that makes perfect sense, India is owned by cows! That’s why, they are free to roam around and get free food whenever someone is on the low side of their life. Just kidding, but it would be pretty cool if its true.

I’m pretty much done here, nothing much to add. The people are nice, the weather is nice, the sanitary of the place needs to be improved, Levi stores needs to stop handing their goods to customers in Lotto bags. Yeah, that’s it, unless I’m supposed to talk about the special shape of the toilet seat I saw in india which has like the shape of two feets, so that girls(I’m assuming) can choose to squat on it as well. I was wondering: squatting is most probably a preffered way over sitting in india, and hence the unique cultural design.Or maybe the point is, you’re meant to put your foot on the seat cover anyways, for both male and female, but that is a question for you to ponder.

Alright, that sums up my experience IN INcredible INdia, If you read until here, I applaud you for your patience and tolerance of bull****(It’s censored cuz its Singapore, and also my audience is 4 teachers!) Or maybe it will expand, seems too convenient, I could just put on my blog anyways. I’ll probably just copy and paste there. Good Night/Good Morning/ Good Afternoon, wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever your watch says. आप का दिन अच्छा बीते!

*Japanese tempura fried vegetables

Teared On|2:22 AM|

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

\\*Time*//

As i count down to the last few hours of my flight to india, i realised how time slips you by everytime you tried to capture it. There are still so many things i wanted to accomplish before leaving for india, and amidst all the happenings in my life, i still haven gotten around to do it. Even though, they will not take me more than 10 minutes of my time, but i've somehow managed to elude them and allowed them to snowpile. I can't go on with this anymore, i have completed one task before leaving for india(at least that's one thing off my mind), and i will get around to do it.

郦娅，无论如何我也一定会回复你的信件和简讯，请你原谅我的不负责任！

Teared On|2:01 PM|

Thursday, September 30, 2010

\\*Music of Post-modernism*//

I'm a person who do not have a specific taste in music. I do like most types of music, be it baroque, classical, romantic, modern, rock, pop, country even new age. I've listened to almost all genres of music and in almost every genre there are some that i especially like. I'm not as extreme to say that music is my life, but ever since i've been introduced to modern english songs, i've been in love with it. Almost everyday i'm listening to new songs on youtube and searching for even better ones.

I realised music can be expressed in so many forms.However, my guitar teacher says that the modern music is the degeneration of music. There is no greater composer than Bach or Hendel, classical and baroque music is the only true music. Modern music corrupts your mind. However, i disagree, totally disagree. Call me a post-modernist, I too do not believe in metanarratives. To me, modern music is the evolution of music and just like fashion and all other types of human expression, it reflects the times of the society as well.

I'm not referring to the song lyrics or specific songs, but the type of music that was popular at that period in history. The shift from Baroque to classical to romantic music was reflective of the attitude of society at that time. Briefly, it reflects generally the dominant attitude of the society towards the world at that time. Let's fast forward a little. After the romantic period which ended around 1920, comes the modern era.

Modern era is known for a special movement called modernism movement(1940s - ?). It is known for its depiction of the disjointed, fragmented and a tendency towards complexity. Guess what's popular at that period of time? Rock music. Rock music was on the rise at the same time with modernism. Rock music focused on a variety of instruments, mainly the guitar, drums, sometimes blues keyboard, and also featuring the lead singer as well. Songs are not "structured" the same way as classical or baroque period, chords are either disjointed or not even used. The songs are played mainly out of emotions and they express very deep emotions indeed. However, most of it featured are often dark emotions,and also a complex guitar solo in the middle of the song. these are all features of modernism(complexity and disjointed)

Of course, at the same time, there are other forms of music that is popular. We are focusing on europe and america here, as they are the ones that are most affected by the modernism movement and postmodernism. Other music includes Heavy Metal, Jazz, Blues, Blue jazz, and all other types you can think of. Punk culture, most commonly associated with rebel or counter culture is also prevalent at that age in time. All these different genres of music are connected by one similarity: they stresses complexity, requires specific skills and are under the theme of "fragemented".

Technically speaking, the era of modernism has not ended yet. No one is able to really mark the end to it, as some forms of it is still around today. (presence of metanarratives like religion, elite high culture etc...) However, we are already stepping into a new era, that is termed post-modernism. This period is marked by a celebratory spirit, with a rejection of metanarratives. The artist is a manipulator of signs, he/she does not participate in the creation of art, but rather manipulate exisiting signs of art.

Here is the interesting point that I observe in mainstream music today. Music is moving towards an era of post-modernism. Rock music is slowly falling out of fashion, though they are still around, but not as popular as before anymore. One of the only exisitng punk rock bands still active today, is perhaps My Chemical Romance, and that's all. Other mainstream rockbands like Shinedown is still active, but it is not hard to see that society has a preference for a newer form of culture. Pop and Hip-Hop culture.

While rock and heavy metal is falling out of fashion, they are being replaced by pop artists and rappers. These songs have some very striking similarities. First, they are all rather easy songs, with not very hard solos(sometimes even not at all), some dont even require an instrument to make the music. Example would be Rap songs. It's rather easy to "create" music. All you need is to have a software that creates beats, have a few short melodious riffs and lastly, one just have fill in the lyrics. The lyrics dont even need to rhyme, you just have to say them at the right beat. Melody is optional here.

Pop music usually requires only a few chords, and the whole song is a repetition of those same chords. They can also be produced in a studio, and instruments are not really needed unless the artist wish to perform in live/acoustic settings.

There's an even more extreme example of this tendency towards easiness. T-pain, one of the rapper in the music industry came up with an intelligient device, known as autotune microphone. Autotune already helps tune a person to perfect pitch, with an autotune microphone that corrects your pitch almost the same moment as you sing it out. Anybody who doesn't know how to sing, could just use that microphone to hit the perfect pitch every single time, provided he knows the rough pitch of course.

1. No knowledge of an instrument is required to make music
2. Without the ability or talent to sing, anyone is able to hit perfect pitch

Complexity is deemed irrelavant and everything just tends towards easiness.

But there is a drawback to this: everything begins to sound similar. There are complaints that artists sound similar to each other. The artist become a manipulator of signs instead of creators of them(Post-modernism) One example would be Avril Lavigne's top single "Girlfriend" sounding eerily similar to The Rubinoos "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" While Avril's song features "Hey! Hey! You! You! I wanna be your girlfriend", the rubinoos had the exact same line, except change the girlfriend to boyfriend. Also, Katy Perry's "California Girls" sounds like Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" as well.

This is yet another feature of post-modernism, in which a large number of artwork are just "copied and pasted", while no original work is created. However, these tracks that have such similar elements are rare to say the least. They are almost the exception in the field of plagiarism. But even amongst "orginal" works by most rappers and pop artists, its not hard to draw similarities between songs as well. Most rap songs sound very similar, the major difference lies only in the music video, persona of the artist and his unique voice, and the lyrics. The musical elements are very similar(they are mostly beats anyway).

Last but not least, the celebratory nature of post-modernism, yet another common feature in pop/rap songs worldwide. In contrast to the dark,emotive melodies and "reality subjects" dealt with in rock, the subject of pop songs are mostly celebratory. It is usually about sex, teenage life, parties, love...etc, very rarely about "serious subjects". 2010 Best Album of the Year Grammy award winner Taylor Swift is a pop/country singer officially, but her songs mostly contain more elements of pop than country. Her winning album Fearless is a compilation of pop/country songs that talks about love. While the 2010 grammy song of the year is awarded to Beyonce for the song Single Ladies. Yet another song that talks about love. Not only is the subject positive, even the melodies are uplifting and positive. Rappers, i do not even need to start to talk about them. Lil wayne, T-pain, Snoop dogg and all those rapper songs all speak for themselves. Even though they usually rap about drugs and sex, they glamourizes this aspect, making it seem like a very glorious lifestyle. An exception to this would be Eminem, who moslty raps about his life, but he is really the exception in this picture.

As you can see, even in music today, there is a significant drift towards aspects of post-modernism. As with the normal trajectory of history, i would expect rock music to die out mostly in the decades to come, with only a handful who still pursues this culture. Already, there are rock fans who criticize modern music(pop and rap) as a degeneration of music(which is strikingly similar to how my guitar teacher calling modern music rubbish and classical/baroque style as true music). Truly shows that these "modernism types of music" are falling out of the picture.

Pop and Rap would come to replace rock and metal. It's an unfortunate, but inevitable fact.

I could only hope for a revival of rock music sometime in the future that will spark off a sensation in the youths of tomorrow.

Teared On|5:54 PM|

Saturday, September 11, 2010

\\*Find that Inner Strength*//

Focus, focus is the key, the key to all success in life. I know i need to do well in the exams, its all i've been working towards all these while. All the tests and exams, all comes down to this. This exam is the one thing that is gonna count, this exam is gonna determine whether i can get to the stream that i want, whether i can do well in A levels, whether i can go on to fulfill my dream.

When i was younger, no perhaps just rewind a year back. Want me to focus? No problem. Finish this in one hour? No problem. Mug like crazy? No problem. But now, i find it so hard to focus, so hard to set my mind into this. Hell, even when i say to myself, i really want to do well in the exams, i feel like i am lying to myself. Why? What is lacking in my life now? Nothing? is that the reason why i can't find the reason to work hard? I went jogging, and i can't even push myself to go further when i know i can. I'd always jog until i am out of breath, now just to kill myself, i decided to sprint as fast as possible for the last 100m.

I've got to pull my act together, I've got to push myself forward. I need to convince myself that this is something worth putting effort into. Set me a target, give me a motivation to work hard for. I need a spring, a trigger, or a person for me to want to win. Its so easy when there's a comparison, a close friend whom i care about so much that i want to win/impress him/her. For results, i've always compared myself to Gerontius, to make myself work hard. For sports, I've always count on Sihui to make me wanna jog that extra mile. For music, I've always had Jerrell to jam that beat to. There's always someone i feel is better than me, that i need to work harder to get on par, or even excel them. I've grown reliant on these motivations, such that when they are gone, it makes me lose my heart in this. Jerrell told me he wasn't so interested in guitar anymore, Si hui stopped trying to beat me in pull-ups, Gerontius ain't performing as well as I hope he would perform.

All these bars that I set for myself, seem to have disappeared, along with my motivation to work hard in most of the areas. Even the feelings I had for the girl that I used to like, seem to wither away with time, along with the motivation for me improve myself. Nothing inspires me, not poets or prose, nor songs or dance. I seem to paint a bleak picture, but i know there's always a silver lining.

After a year, just one year, 2009-2010. I can't say I've changed little, there's so much of me that's different. Certainly a stronger person, emotionally or physically, and a more sensible one too. Yet, i've only come to realise, the part of me that's lacking, that i've never noticed. I've always relied on competing with others, the fact that i wanted to impress others, to motivate me to work towards success. When my friend's performance fluctuates, it affected me, just like now, when all those bars i've set myself are gone, i'm left here standing alone, not knowing how to proceed. To think that they will always be there is naive, stupid.

I've got to find strength within myself. To work hard, not for my friends, not for my parents, not for anyone else, but myself. My success would affect me the greatest, and so will my failure.

It is not too late, Jasmon, you can still pull this off. You're not working for others, but for yourself, and your future.

Its really hard to change this habit, especially when you've used this all the time in your life. but I believe in myself, I can find the inner strength, this inner motivation, to push myself to succeed. I've met with countless obstacles, countless hearthrobs, but i've always pulled myself out of it stronger. Faced with this situation, I'm sure I can overcome them and go on.

I want to work hard, because that would mean I will not blame myself for getting bad grades, because I've tried my best and if I get good grades, it would be justified. And with that, after the exam is over, I can face the world with a brighter smile and a warmer heart, with no regrets.

I will work hard.

Jasmon

Teared On|11:37 PM|

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

\\*Identity*//

Sometimes, i feel like i am two individuals. The part of me that i was once familiar with is ripped apart to form the Other. A present that is everything that the past could not accomplish, a self-initiated upgrade based on the standards of the society. I once hypothesized: you are what you pretend to be. The longer you pretend, the more "real" it feels to you, and the more ingrained it becomes rooted to you, and associated with your personality. Now, i am the result i needed to prove my hypothesis. Its true.

How did this happen? After an event that had a great impact on me, i just felt that i need to change. I need to act in a certain way. I cannot stay this way forever. And I did, after that event, it was easy to pretend, so much so that it didn't feel like pretending. Then i realised, i enjoy being this way, whatever it is, i feel way more crazier. I wanted it, and so i hid that part(the past) of me away, and stow it away somewhere deep.

For quite a long time, i had been rationalizing, whether they are separate entities, or just a form of maturity. Perhaps, I have just grown up, see things clearer, got out of my box, start to live life. whatever. It certainly felt this way, i am much sharper in these relations.

Whichever it is, i guess i am still Jasmon. Some parts are easier to get rid of, and some are just damn stubborn and i couldn't get rid of them. Some parts are just completely switched over and its hard to switch them back. Like now, i rather have company then not. I rather have someone to talk to, then being alone. I rather go out and LAN than stay home and do my work. that's like a completely opposite of me before. but still, i kinda enjoy the life i lead now. Much more fun than before.

Now, its easy to be me, cuz i am me, though much different from the 'me' i am before. But this subtle switching thing is really amazing. I can literally teach myself and mould myself to be take up certain qualities by forcing myself to be that way and surrounding myself with the right kind of people. (What i pretend to be + learning from the people around me(sub conscious) + events that happen + originally me = me) Soon, i might even be able to apply that into treating depression. Briliant!

Teared On|8:25 PM|